Planning An Adventure

So, a couple years ago I had a gotten a bit overwhelmed and burnt out.  I wasn't doing enough smiling, playing, or dreaming.  Last summer I decided to make a change and quit my job and started working for myself.  This past year has been quite a transformation for me, for the best, and it is still continuing.  Today I am determined to work on increase the amount of time I spend here with Smile, Play Dream, and I am inspired to create an adventure for me and my boys.  I have been thinking about it for a while, and now I intend to make it a reality.

My boys love geography.  We took them up to Sacramento and they were so excited to see the State Capital.  It made me realize how exciting it would be to see the world through their eyes and to see the looks on their face when they see the things they are interested in in real life -- like the statue or liberty.

My goal is to plan a 48 state road trip for next summer's vacation.  I want to make a rough plan of where to go, what to see, and how to do it without too much backtracking.  I want to visit people on the way, see cool sites, and all in all have fun, see the country, and have an adventure with my kids that we will always remember.

We will leave on June 10, 2013, and come back before school starts (sometime around Aug 10 or so).

For now, I want the beginnings of a plan and some possible sites to see along the way.

Step 1 -- Head west to highway 1
Step 2 -- Head North on highway 1
Sites: Mt. Tam, Stinson Beach, Muir Woods, Mendocino, Glass Beach Fort Bragg, Caspar State Beach, Pt Cabrillo Lighthouse
Step 3 -- Head North on 101
Sites: Redwoods State Park Avenue of the Giants, Redwood National Park, Oregon Dunes National Recreation Area, Olympic National Park, Forks, WA
Step 4 -- Get to Seattle, Visit Friends
Sites: Space Needle
Step 5 -- West on 90, Visit Family in Yakima, continue to Spokane, Coeur D'Alene, Missoula
Sites: Manito Park, Glacier National Park, Yellowstone, Grand Tetons, Silverwood Theme Park ,Dinosaur Dig
Step 6 -- Through Wyoming,South Dakota, North Dakota,
Sites: Badlands National Park, Corn Palace, Mt. Rushmore, Beaver Lake State Park

...to be continued ...
Notes to self:

• look intonational parks pass.
• 2 months may be too short -- should I take the kids out of school for a bit?
• How much will it cost? affordability?
• Plan in some flex down time

If you are reading this and have any advice, suggestions of good places to go, things to see please leave a comment.

It feels good to work on making a dream into a reality.


Thanks!

See a Little Light

After 6 days of medication, I am feeling significantly better already. I did not realize that I was sleeping so poorly. I feel like I am on an upswing, and am getting back to myself again. I am grateful for solutions and support to help me.

I keep having this song run through my head now. It feels like it represents my hope coming back.



I also talked to a friend who reminds me about the book Transitions: Making Sense of Life's Changes. It helped remind me that I am not alone in facing transitions, and that is OK for me to be where I am. It feels like I amhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif in the neutral zone. I was reading a blog that described it like this.

The neutral zone is that in-between place where we lose our sense of relatedness and purpose. So much of who we are is tied up in the old way of life that we feel lost and empty without it. At this stage, there’s nothing new to anchor us or to give us any context or meaning, and that can be difficult, confusing and painful.

That sounds about right to me.

Finding My Way Back

I have been gone for a long time. I miss this space. I miss being here, and yet I am also scared to come back. I am scared to admit how I have lost myself and how hard it is to try to find my way back. I feel a little bit stuck in no mans land, not sure where I am or where I am going. I just know that things have got to change.

For 2011 I picked the word RELEASE as my word, and it has turned out to quite accurate. In August I finally quit my high pressure, high stress job because I could no longer sustain it. I had wanted to go for a year a half before I did, as it was getting harder and harder to do and I was getting further and further from myself. It was hard, it was scary, it still is scary. I left behind things I wanted to do, people I care about and really miss, a good salary, and a prestigious place to work. But there was no other option. I trued very hard to find a way to make it work, but I had pushed myself too far. The final straw was when I threw up from stress thinking about gearing up for the next semester. In that moment, I knew it was over and I knew I had to choose myself.

It has been an interesting road since I quit. I was so exhausted and burnt out that it took a while to come back to myself. After about a month, I started to feel like me again, I was excited about the possibilities. I launched a new consulting business and I was coming up with new ideas for things to do in the future. It felt good. I could see a life where I could fit work inside my life instead of fitting life around my work. Then I started to feel myself drifting away again. I started to feel sad and cloudy, to isolate myself and to feel so alone and so anxious.

Yesterday I was diagnosed with major depression, recurrent, and I am going back on antidepressants. I have been having a hard time talking about it. I am angry that I have to deal with this on top of everything else. I wish that it could have been just the job and that quitting the job made things better, but instead it is a harder and deeper transition then I realized. I have to get to the point where I can heal that part of me that needs to keep going past the point that is good for me. I need to get right with myself and make sure my needs are getting met. I need to let go of the patterns that keep me from speaking up and from stopping when it gets to be too much. I need to learn to ask for help.

I am working on putting my oxygen mask on first. It is not easy, and day by day I have to work on taking care of myself along with doing the things I need to do. I am hopeful that this medication can help me feel like me again. I miss that excited, hopeful, confident person I had just a few weeks ago. I keep thinking about what I need, and the name of this blog keeps coming into my mind. I need to make the space to smile, to play, and to dream. I need to fine me again.

The Distance Between Feeling Lost and Feeling Free

I have been going through a lot lately, somewhat silently. I have been trying to wrestle away from the "should's" and "supposed to's" and have really been spending some time thinking about who I want to be and what I want to do with my life.

As I start to disentangle myself from my preconceived ideas about the life I am supposed to live, I find myself struggling. I feel a little bit lost at sea, like I am not sure what to use to define my bearings, where I am or where I am going.

I keep having this image of myself as a helium balloon that has been let go. As I float through the sky, I find myself taking on two different attitudes.

One is FEAR. Oh shit! I am not where I used to be. I am feeling lost. I feel alone. I need to go back. This is scary.

One is FREEDOM. Woohoo! I am not stuck anymore. I am feeling excited. I feel connected. I can float around and explore and see what is out there. This is fun.

Sometimes it feels like a very fine line between these two perspectives and other times it feels like a giant chasm.

In fear, I am impatient. I am in my head. I am distracted. I start needing something to happen, some security. I am in the future. I want to force things, I want to know. I lose faith.

In freedom, I am patient. I am faith. I am in my body and in my life. I feel OK with how things are. I feel present. Opportunities present themselves. I follow my instincts. I trust.

The dance back and forth between these two perspectives is exhausting and at times frustrating. It is hard to let go of the old identity and definitions of who I am and who I am allowed to be.

Yet, I am starting to realize that each foray into the freedom perspective changes me, and nudges me to follow my heart and to take some small action. Instead of judging myself for all the times I find myself in fear, I want to celebrate all of the times I find myself in freedom. I want to embrace this paradigm shift and to really, truly believe that it will all turn out just fine, that it is much more about the journey then the endpoint, and that I will be loved and supported no matter what I do.

Happy New Year

It is the time of year for me to choose a new word for the year. It is interesting, because I really have this feeling that 2011 will be a year when things shift pretty significantly in my world. I feel it coming, and it feels different. Instead of striving, planning and trying to accomplish, I feel like I am going about it differently this time. This time I am going to stop, to get quiet, to listen to the little voice inside my heart. I am going to stop asking too much of myself, and I am going to make the small steps it takes to live more in accordance to my values, who I am, and what I want.

This idea keeps giving me visions of creating clearings -- all kinds of clearings.

Image from http://www.landclearingspecialists.com/

• Clearing out old identities and limiting self-definitions from my spirit.
• Clearing out old injuries and pain from my body.
• Clearing out sugar from my body.
• Clearing out clutter from my house.
• Clearing out clutter from my mind by taking long walks with no ipod.

I want to make a space, cleared out and open, ready for new things. A space grounded in patience and faith that it will all work out if I stop to connect to my heart and that little still voice that speaks within.

So this year, my word is RELEASE. I will let go of the things that are holding me back and weighing me down, and I will see where 2011 takes me.

I am grateful for a friend's blog where she posted this quote, which sums up exactly what I have in mind.

Let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you truly love.... -Rumi

Change Your Life in 30 Days -- Day 7

Are You Making It Up or Is It True?

1. Today I acknowledge myself for signing up for the Mondo Beyondo Dream Lab
2. Today I acknowledge myself for making my play kit
3. Today I acknowledge myself for spending time with my husband
4. Today I acknowledge myself for decluttering my kitchen shelves, top of my desk, and some toys
5. Today I acknowledge myself for getting the supplies I needed from the container store
6. Today I acknowledge myself for going to yoga
7. Today I acknowledge myself for attending the head, neck and shoulders workshop
8. Today I acknowledge myself for making plans for the family to take a day tour at Safari West
   
9. Today I acknowledge myself for getting my husband fathers day cards and a present
10. Today I acknowledge myself for sticking to my protein shakes for 4 days as part of my 28 day Wellness Program
11. Today I acknowledge myself for taking the kids to the park
12. Today I acknowledge myself for doing my easy pose yoga practice
13. Today I acknowledge myself for taking the kids (and myself) to see Toy Story 3
14. Today I acknowledge myself for bringing Lucas to Lego camp
15. Today I acknowledge myself for letting it be OK that I missed some days in doing this 30 day program
    

Why can't you be true to yourself?
I am afraid people won't like me and that I won't be accepted.
I am afraid that I will do things that people won't like.
I won't go with the flow anymore.
I won't be "responsible".
It would be selfish.

What excuses do you make up when things don't go your way?
People don't care.
I don't deserve it.
Life's not fair.
I didn't work hard enough.
I just have to suck it up.
That's just how life is.

What things are you making up about the people you love?
That they don't want me to change.
That they won't like me if I change.
That they don't care enough.
That they don't want the same things I do.
That they won't really love me if I am true to myself.
That they are selfish.

List the emotions that you feel when you make things up about people.
lonely
sad
dissappointed
hurt
invisible
belittled

If you had to ask yourself, Am I making this up or is it true, before you could speak, how would your life change?
I would not take things so personally
I would not overreact to situations based on old emotional baggage
I would respond to life as a grown-up instead of as a wounded kid

I'm So Excited

On the spur of the moment, I decided to sign up for the Mondo Beyondo Dream Lab this summer. It is all about playing, resting, being kind to yourself and learning. It feels like just what I need right now, and I am feeling just so excited.

I had so much fun today with the first assignment -- to put together my Play Kit. Can't wait to see what each day brings.



If you are feeling in need of some play, rest, kindness, and learning please consider joining too.

Change Your Life in 30 Days -- Day 6

Stretch, Risk or Die

1. Today I acknowledge myself for hosting playgroup.
2. Today I acknowledge myself for following the first day of my all protein shake day of my 28 day wellness program.
3. Today I acknowledge myself for telling my husband that I was blogging again.
4. Today I acknowledge myself for sleeping in.
5. Today I acknowledge myself for helping Lucas plant his seeds this morning.


Area of change: career

List 5 stretches you could take:

1. clean up my home office
2. clean up my work office
3. work at home 2-3 times a week
4. call a financial planner
5. manage my schedule better -- no back to back meeting, time for yoga

List 5 risks you could take:

1. meet with a financial planner
2. implement the transition plan
3. stop doing things I don't want to do anymore
4. visit the school near my house that I am interested in
5. take more vacation time

List 5 actions you could take that would feel so scary you would feel like a part of you were dying:

1. quit my job
2. ask for a leave of absence
3. job search and apply for another job
4. start my own business
5. ask my bosses to create a transition plan so that I can leave
   

If you stretched each day, how would your life change?
I would make progress in little steps towards the life I really want.
I would build my confidence.
I would realize that other people support me to do this and are not upset about it.

What stretch, risk, or die must you take in order to change your life?
Stop doing things I don't want to do anymore.

What stretch, risk or die have you ignored that is stopping you from being true to yourself?
Wanting to quit my job.

Which stretch, risk or die do you want to avoid at all costs?
Asking for a leave of absence and quitting my job.